It's hard. It's difficult when someone treats you badly. It's even harder if that person is a family member or friend. We feel betrayed. It's almost as if we have travelled into the past and all you gave before amounts to zero. It feels like your past interactions were built on lies and fabrication. Was anything real? Did they mean anything they said? How could I be treated that way?
In most of our young lives, our parents did their utmost to prevent us from feeling hurt. This is true emotionally and physically. For the first child anyway, the house was made safe, child-proof. Every conceivable and inconceivable harm mechanism was thought of and neutralised. The parents' radar was on nearly 24/7 to the point of exhaustion. If we ran in to an object, they'd slap the door or chair with words like "bad door!" or "bad chair!". What does that teach kids? That the locus for their angst is outside of themselves and it is something (or someone) else's fault. It was done with sincere intentions but what did it accomplish? Usually, people who use the phrase "now, look what you made me do". How do we approach people like this? There is a danger in being empathetic that we allow our energy levels or mindset to match those of the person with whom we empathise. Do we accept that we are the cause of someone's actions? Do we behave accordingly, contrite or apologetic? Does this demonstrate the individual's sovereignty? No. As sovereign individuals, we are responsible for managing ourselves. Once you blame external circumstances for your situation, you've lost. There is, however, a social pressure driving empathy; what do we look like if we don't empathise? Self-contained people have been called cold, unfeeling or narcissistic and it can certainly look that way. It is by their fruits that you will know them. Alternatively, let's say you understand what drives someone's behaviour. This takes a non-attached (different to detached which denotes apathy) approach to observation. The best way to see the motivations of someone else is to observe what motivates you when you take an action. i've learned a lot about others by first observing myself. Again, this is a self-reflection exercise where you cannot continue to be a NPC (non-playing character). It manifests in how others treat and speak to you. What is going through their mind as they engage with you? Why do they think it is ok to speak this way to you? What is my part in how they see me? These are questions that allow us to forgive others, whether they ask for it or not. The exercise is to observe, not to judge. Remember that when we judge that we invite others to judge us and, being human, we are not blameless. And forgiveness releases like a weight lifted. Consequently, understanding leads to forgiveness and forgiveness leads to peace, but understanding provides the solution to not being treated the same way again.
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“Socrates believed that no one does wrong voluntarily. Evil is the result of ignorance. If people knew what was the right thing to do they would do it. We always choose what we think is the best or good for us.” [Source]
How is it that so many people in this world are broke and fat if this is true? Is it simply a matter of education? Or have we been taught to be obese and live from paycheque to paycheque? Is it possible that we are ignorant of how to become wealthy and fit? What would be our natural state if left to our own devices? Recently, social media was flooded with "now and then" beach photos. As a species, it seemed easier for us to maintain a lower margin of error when it came to weight. What has changed? Behaviour. Between 20221 and 2022 the weight loss industry rose in value from a staggering US$132.7Bn up to US$142.4Bn while the personal development industry was valued at US$43.7Bn. At the same time, weight loss programmes use many personal development principles for their clients. This is because they clearly know the value of starting with the self in order to get results. Paradoxically, people gain weight when they join weight loss groups due to a sense of comparative weight. So it seems people are looking for the quick fix, the magic pill, the gastric band, the path of least effort. Why? We’re back to the value hierarchy of decision-making. You will never outperform your self-image. You will not behave as the person who comes to the gym and eats clean until you see yourself as the person who goes to the gym and eats clean. Begin with the end in mind as the late, influential Stephen R. Covey wrote in his seminal book - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. What is a habit but a consistent way of behaving? We are back to BE, DO, HAVE in order to align our habits with what is beneficial to us. We must first see ourselves as a target weight and visualise our eating habits in order to take the actions that that person takes. Our shopping habits have to change so we have to BE that person as we shop. There are hurdles that we have to be aware of such as store layout, attractive packaging and flavour enhancers that seem that eating healthy is bleh. We also have to feel that the goal is worth the effort. What really is the trophy for weight loss? Better sleep, less chance of illness, self-confidence, and feeling good when we see our reflection. It’s worth remembering too that the initial stages require the most discipline and work until the habit becomes second nature. It also helps to know the Universe will work with you as you move forward although it does through the odd curveball to “see how much you want it”. Put yourself at the top of a value-based hierarchy for a week or two and see what happens. Choose what you know to be the best option for yourself, the highest good. The hardest pill to swallow about this line of thinking is that being broke and overweight is a choice. In the previous post, we looked at behaviour and its impact from a business point of view. This is because there is a buyer/seller interaction, product design and knowing your customer behaviour for your particular industry or niche. We looked at customer service as part of your branding, the emotions that come to people's minds when they see your logo. Not only your customers but also your employees as brand ambassadors. Your behaviour determines office culture and having a positive office culture is a key component in the retention of staff.
The Pareto Distribution theory is based on the 80/20 rule and is a good rule of thumb in your decision-making. This TED Talk by Dan Gilbert on Decision making and Bernoulli’s formula (click here) shows us that flawed behaviour based on faulty premises are more common than we think. What has this to do with workplace culture? 20% of the people that you work with will produce 80% of the output. Conversely, only 20% of the work will be produced by 80% of the workforce. This means that productive people are in the minority and how you treat them will determine whether they stay or go. With regard to the work environment, talented employees will leave because of bad managers and included in that is because problematic employees are tolerated. This is understandable when people spend so much of their day together and, like family, not out of choice. This is less of an issue these days as more people work from home but even on team calls, disruptive behaviour or continuous interruption will cause disengagement. Micromanaging or meetings that could have been replaced by an email or quick phone call will have the effect of causing resentment for time wasted and is counterproductive. If you hire people for what they can do, then let them do it. There is a common misperception that those in management and directorship roles are there because they have 100% expertise in “everything”. It’s a sort of halo effect where people may have the impression that someone is at a higher level of the organisational structure because they have figured out how to be flawless in all aspects of business life. They even expect it of themselves. Having worked with highly intelligent and capable people, this is not always the case. Many people will be elevated because they have proven industry know-how but may not be a ‘people person’. They may have a brilliant way of doing things but lack the interpersonal skills to bring people with them. As a result, they may appear 'hard-nosed' and distant or overmanage projects to feel that they are 'deserving' their promotions. Some outward behaviours are used to mask a fear that the mask may slip, that the emperor/empress has no clothes or imposter syndrome. This isn’t confined to leadership roles. The workplace can be a melting pot for various personality types some of which are not compatible. So isn’t it helpful to know that when it comes to creating a culture that is both fun and effective, there are formulae to assist you in making the right decisions? "100% of employees are people. 100% of customers are people. 100% of investors are people. If you don't understand people, you don't understand business." Simon Sinek.
Like many topics, behaviour can be studied at a micro and macro level. If you are a salesperson in, let's say, the automotive sector, your time would be best served to study the behaviour of the individual. If you are the manufacturer of an automobile your time would be better served analyzing the middle part of a bell curve of human behaviour in a certain field like "purchasing behaviour". When you are a customer, you observe the behaviour of the salesperson. Whatever it is we are all watching each other, watching trends in behaviour, clothes, apps, cars, etc. On social media, we have an emerging form of employment - "the influencer" that is paid to influence human behaviour in lieu of advertising. Individuals are like cells of a much larger organism, the consumer. Under a microscope we may seem to have individual behaviours, but when we zoom out we can see that our behaviour can be neatly categorised by sex, age, and income, etc. This is the role of "the cookie" on websites. Our behaviour is tracked and the data collected is used for very specific marketing purposes. Where advertising used to be a "spray and pray" way of getting your message out to the customer, the Internet has allowed us to be interactive and see specifically where our customers are coming from. Customers can leave reviews of businesses for others to see. As such, customer service is a critical part of branding. To use a negative example; the potential guest at the reception of your hotel who gets poor service will start to notice every flaw, whether large or small and compound a poor review. Whether the first point of contact is the valet or the doorman, your influence is already at play. It's also key to know when to give attention and when to give space. Your behaviour towards your employees is similarly influential. Remember that they are also your brand ambassadors. How they speak about where they work also has an effect on the world outside the office. While at work, your behaviour towards employees or your work colleagues will determine engagement or disengagement. Being self-aware, or emotionally intelligent is now one of the top skills of a leader. Looking at how we have evolved in business, how we have learned to automate so many humdrum tasks but have a growing population. Therefore, how significant is it to be a human anymore? What defines our value, in life and in the marketplace? What are and what will be the key skills for a human to succeed in an ever-increasingly automated world? |
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AuthorHoward Hughes Archives
November 2023
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