Over the coming weeks, we will explore the various causes and impacts of our behaviour. In the post-World War I period, undismayed analysis of "what's wrong" led to the development of psychoanalysis as a field of study and exploration. It was mostly from 1946-1948 that children's psychological analysis began. This is small segment of the timeline since humans became self-aware and began to document life. How much has human behaviour changed over the millennia of recorded history? All the spiritual, and religious books – the Upanishads, the Bhagavad-Gita, the Bible, the Torah, the Talmud, Guru Granth Sahib, etc. show us how our behaviour affects others and ourselves. Aspiring to be more like God is the common theme, the central tenet. To paraphrase Jordan Peterson (click), God is the highest possible good that we can aspire to. Not only will this be a marker for how we thrive, it also influences our behaviour towards ourselves and others that we share our world with.
It is awe-inspiring to see the architectural wonders built in the name of "God." What deep-rooted desire could inspire someone to build a cathedral, a mosque, or a giant Buddha? Towering edifices that magnify the glory of creation. And yet we are told in all these holy books how much more we humans are valued, how much more precious and intricate we are. Do you feel that in your everyday life? Do you feel like a walking cathedral or mosque? Is that how you behave? Religion aside, what do you desire to be like? What are your qualities? What would you like people to notice you for after they have interacted with you? How did you behave? I don't think there is a better demonstration of getting in touch with your inner motivation than this video (click here). Perhaps as adults, we could define behaviour as our pre-programmed response to events and people (stimuli)? Pre-programmed because behaviour is learned. The reason we are pre-programmed is that we have learned to shortcut certain responses as a knee-jerk reaction. In computer programming, it may be called an "if>then" piece of code. And these snippets of code run so frequently and smoothly that they become a subroutine and run subconsciously. To the point that we run this piece of code without checking to see if we should edit it for a specific purpose. And it's easy to troubleshoot and debug. It shows up in the way people react to us. Their reaction to us is fifty per cent how we present ourselves (and the 50% is how they choose to react through their programming). You are who you are as an aggregate of your experiences over time. It's fine to leave it there as a child but as an adult, you absolutely have the capacity to change if you choose to. I remember typing out lines of code on my Commodore 64 using V.2 basic. At the end of a particularly lengthy program, there was a subroutine called a "checksum" which allowed users to see if the programme had been written correctly. Once this was done, you could enter in and change colour or type if you knew what you were looking for. This is personal development. Running a checksum and seeing where you can get in and make the changes that you would like.
0 Comments
Confident people make us feel positive. Having a sense of safety gives us a sense that we are capable of achieving what we want. Their example shows that anything is possible. However, we don't see the tribulations they have faced in order to gain confidence in themselves. It may surprise you but some of the most confident people that you know still have insecurities in certain fields of life and business (imposter syndrome). An antidote to impostor syndrome is to realise its narcissistic, egocentric narrative of "poor me, look at me!". The remedy is to focus on someone else that you can assist with your skillset, draw from the Higher Self or simply have the confidence to say "I don't know but I'll find out".
Calmness. In a panicked or fearful state, our brains are not able to empathise. As such, this is one of the reasons why the narrative of the fearful state is always self-preservation and inward-looking. Being confident allows us to focus less on ourselves and more on others. This means improved relationships (and as a corollary, saves mental energy on not being defensive) and an ability to communicate more freely. A valuable asset in both work and personal life. Confidence allows us to be at peace with ourselves and peace is the natural state for humans. This allows our operating system to reset, heal and function within normal parameters. It means less wear and tear on the engine. This means that happier people live longer. An antidote for procrastination? There are many aspects to procrastination, a condition once thought to be rooted in laziness. However, one of the reasons that people procrastinate (find anything else to do except what they're supposed to be doing!) is that they lack the confidence to either start or complete the task. Confidence is the "I know I can do this" internal dialogue and motivation that gets things done. And as you get things done you grow in confidence. Confidence in action is self-rewarding and fulfilling. Confidence begets confidence. Resilience. Imagine having the confidence to start and complete tasks. If you hit a speed bump midway through the process, what would that mean to you? Having the confidence to get back up and keep moving forward. You would feel unstoppable. How would that impact the goals you would set for yourself? Leadership As I mentioned at the top of the post, self-assured people give us a sense of security and in fearful situations, we all turn to the confident person. The confident person is not necessarily the one with all the answers but the one who is calm and can think straight. We listen to that voice of reason. Self-assured people become natural leaders. They are the people that others look to and like to be around and that is a key management skill as a parent or in the workplace. Negotiations Whether at home or at work, we all engage in discussions every day. With our spouse, kids, co-workers or management, we negotiate. When we conduct ourselves with confidence we have already made a terrific start. Can you remember how 'attractive' you were when you carried yourself in a confident, self-assured way? Did you get what you were looking for, perhaps more? Were there unintended, positive circumstances that presented themselves because of the frequency you were operating on? Self-confidence is a hub from which many positive circumstances radiate. Confidence and courage build solid foundations, a platform from which to launch ourselves to elevated levels. It can help us end toxic relationships. It can enable us to ask for a pay rise. It can help us to be more open and honest, strengthening communication with loved ones and colleagues. Exercise Think about and document times when you acted with confidence. What happened? What was running through your head that gave you that feeling of being self-assured? Can you borrow that and operate from that space again? How was your posture and what was your speech like? "When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” African proverb. Are confidence and esteem the same? No. The best way to can put this is by analogy. You are going on a journey. There are two cars in your driveway. You know that both will get you there. One is Fiat 500 and the other is a Rolls Royce Silver Shadow. Which would choose to travel in?
Confidence Confidence is about belief, self-esteem is a value perspective. In the first of the blog posts on confidence, we looked at how confidence comes through action, action reinforcing belief. Belief requires evidence (unlike 'faith' which goes beyond physical evidence or even in the absence of physical evidence). In order to gain evidence, action has to be taken. When action is taken we get results (back to TEFCAS) and we can build on those results from learning. This means that all learning is positive depending on how we process the information. In order for us to believe in ourselves and our capabilities (confidence) we have to have made made a journey, to use the car analogy. The Fiat 500 has taken us to where we would like to go previously. Before we set off again we check that it is fit for purpose. The more journeys we take the more we realise that our capabilities are not so much about the destination but the ability to complete it. It is an outward display or internal self-dialogue. Self-esteem Self-esteem is choosing to see yourself as a Rolls-Royce driver. This is about how you see yourself, your self-image. This is a value piece. This goes hand-in-hand with your confidence. This is the "knowing your 'why'" from the seminal Simon Sinek TED talk and takes you from beyond just "doing". It may be the processor to gaining the skills that give you confidence. You will never outperform your self image. If you do not see the value in yourself then you won't present it for others to see. This really is hiding your light under a bushel. Exercise Write down the things that you admire about yourself.mIf you have the confidence, ask others how they see and see if it tallies with person you are looking to present from within. Remember that self-image is created by you, the self and not what others think of you. Hmmm, interesting question. Has anyone ever questioned the confidence of a toddler working a room full of familiar people? Laughing, running to and fro and holding looks? The shear and utter joy of the attention. Being so carefree. Is that what confidence means? Being carefree?
Perhaps the question isn't whether confidence can be learned but rather can confidence be re-learned? While searching for a study or experiment on confidence from kindergarten to 6th grade - i came across this: "The child is the first artist. Out of the material around him he creates a world of his own. The prototypes of the forms which he devises exist in life, but it is the thing which he himself makes that interests him, not its original in nature. His play is his expression." But Noyes argued that the artistic instinct was usually lost as the child grew older: "Imagination surrenders to the intellect; emotion gives place to knowledge. Gradually the material world shuts in about us until it becomes for us a hard, inert thing, and no longer a living, changing presence, instinct with infinite possibilities of experience and feeling." What are the factors influencing the toddler's confident behaviour? Familiarity with the crowd. A lack of 'baggage'. A safe environment a) no pressure to deliver and b) no fear of ridicule if they don't. As fear of public speaking seems to be a predominant phobia (irrational fear), how many of those factors can we apply to confident public speaking or presenting? Familiarity with the crowd: Pretty much all of the crowd that the toddler interacts with wishes the toddler well. While not everyone is a 'child' person, they certainly don't wish the child ill. Regardless of the size you are addressing you can take it that the vast majority wish you well and would like you to succeed. A lack of baggage: This is where the major work is done. Quietening the mind involves addressing unresolved matters. It is the continued practice of not taking things personally that allows you to bring just you. A safe environment: a) practice, practice, practice and practice. Give yourself plenty of time, interest and passion to know what you are taking about. The best presentations are from people who can argue both sides of the point, fielding questions or being comfortable with "I'll have to get back to you on that..." (and actually getting back to that person!). b) When a kids gets excited, they can lose awareness of their environment and fall flat on their face. And while some make laugh at the accident - it is the event, not the child that is funny (don't take it personally). More often than not, the child looks to the crowd to see how it should respond (the vast majority want to see you succeed). However, as adults we can make a conscious choice on how we respond if we trip and fall. If you would escape moral and physical assassination, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing—court obscurity, for only in oblivion does safety lie. - Elbert Hubbard Suggested reading. Never Split the Difference - Chris Voss If you asked a confident person where confidence comes from they'd most likely tell you "from inside". It's a feeling of certainty, of belief. That feeling is in someone or something else (like a ladder or the person holding the ladder) or it's in yourself (whatever happens with the ladder, you'll be ok). You can feel it just there, in the centre of your body below the solar plexus, in your gut. The feeling that whatever happens, you'll be ok.
But how did it get there? It gets there through experience. i don't use the phrase "trial and error" but "trial and success" - TEFCAS - sometimes you win, sometimes you learn but you don't leave empty handed. TEFCAS is one of those tools that i practice with my clients to reframe the attitude of "going for it" because confidence is learned, not from getting things right all the time but from learning how things went wrong. To put it a way that really resonated with me - Rory McElroy, ranked the world's top golfer, has probably taken more bad shots than i have taken shots in golf. His swing rate is so high that his sum of bad shots probably eclipses the total amount of that of an amateur player. So if your are committed to being confident in an aspect of life e.g. decision making, public speaking or interpersonal relationships, or just life in general, you have to want to take the bad shots in order to learn from them. Because we, as humans, are programmed to avoid uncomfortable situations "for our protection" we exercise risk avoidance. While this may be a short term gain it is counterproductive for long-term growth. Consider this; birds don't just fly from nests. They have to practice first and even fall. Some won't make it. Don't take it that 100% of birds can fly. Now consider the power of this: “A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on its own wings. Always believe in yourself” – Unknown |
Details
AuthorHoward Hughes Archives
November 2023
Categories |