Do we have to know the negative? According to Jesus, we should be like sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves (Matt. 10:16). Or as Machiavelli wrote, “… a prince who wishes to survive must know how to do wrong, and how to do or not do wrong according to necessity.” — Chapter XV, The Prince.
Before i give an opinion, some context. i find myself working with a group of ordinary people working towards an extraordinary goal. The goal is monumental and life-changing. Achievements, increments and successes are facilitated by an extraordinary leader whose quasi-laissez-faire attitude gives us the space to give our all. It sounds like he treats us as grown-ups. And he does. We recognise that we are there by merit and can leave anytime. But why would you leave this amazing sense of purpose? How do i find myself in the company of such wonderful people? The circumstances which bring about the tribe are described as a factor in personal development in terms of attracting them. Think of it as an electromagnetic field at a certain frequency where these things happen. This field of potential. Now think of tuning your mind into this frequency and, like an iron filing to a magnet, you find yourself there. How did i attract it? By thinking big. How do you ‘think big’? By contemplating ‘big’ things. For me, it changed when i took my wife to Vienna for our anniversary and saw the Hofburg Palace. To stand there and view its majesty and grandeur in person and contemplate what it took to create it. Vision, effort, and a 'why' give someone the desire to work tirelessly towards its completion. I was changed from then on because it resonated with me. It was the key to the lock. As i said to my dear friend, Alan Hennessy when we had a radio show “Let’s build a palace!”. i was speaking figuratively but in this heart, mind, and wherever there was a strong desire to work with people who had an equally strong desire. This is because building something this substantial cannot be done alone. Nor was this the first avenue i had experienced in achieving what we are looking to achieve. i had been disappointed before but i had gained significant experience. i know what success in this area doesn’t look and sound like. This brings me to the point of the environment. Because we are building, creating and working in a positive direction, we rarely speak of the negative efforts of ‘the competition’ or ‘the other side’. Because what we are constructing is so positive, there is no need to know others' counter-actions. We are building something because we know what is not done correctly. We know, any human knows the difference between right and wrong. Good creates, and evil looks to take down what is created. Evil cannot create, it lacks the ability. Evil thrives in the absence of creation. Yes, you have to be aware of how things are not working but the counter-action is not to go against it or fight it but to create. Create the change you wish to see in the world. Your creation will leave no room for wrongdoing. Once you start creating, remember that you will attract its opposite, and what you attract will not stop until it succeeds. This is why your desire to create must be greater and on a consistent basis. The most energy will be in its foundation but once it is built, it takes less energy to maintain. Yes, you have to be aware of wrong-doing or evil but it has no energy, it drains energy so “keeping an eye on it” should not be a continuous use of your time. Rise above. And keep on rising.
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There are two men sitting in front of me. One is 89 and the other will be 89 shortly. Both are weak with age. "Did you ever think we'd make it this far?". "No." One of them is my Dad and the other is his best man. Friends for decades. It is interesting because, despite the CNN (constant negative news) and the narrative that we are hell-bent on destroying ourselves and our planet, our population has never been this large and the world has never been safer. Chances are, you'll make it into your eighties and beyond. So it may be worth remembering that your future starts now.
Diet and pensions come to mind. These are the two topics that people seem to put off or put on the long finger. I'll start my pension when the time is right. I'll eat better and exercise when I need to. Despite of the data presented to them, most people are poor planners for the future and its consequences. Planning for the future is not just for business. Your life should be your business. There should be room for error and expansion plans. You may be required to pivot at certain times. And wherever you find yourself on the ladder of life, you should be thinking bigger. Amazing things happen when you create. There is an unintended consequence, a re-framing of how you see the world. Things take on a completely different aspect even though the only thing that changed is you. A field full of dandelions becomes a field full of wishes. You see opportunity where adversity existed, you see solutions instead of problems and you seem to have the energy to accomplish more in the same amount of time. On a recent radio interview i explained, it is better to run towards the ribbon than to run away from the starting blocks. No-one knows when their race is run but we all will pass that finishing ribbon of life. At the end of the day, what matters is how we filled our days. We won't be able to take what we accumulated across the finish line. Work towards what you look forward to rather than away from what you fear. The path won't change but you will be in a better frame of mind to negotiate it. So, planning is for life. As Stephen R. Covey said in Habit 2 begin with the end in mind. Visualise what you would like to have achieved. And may your only regret be like Robert Frost, that you are only one traveller to get it all done. The figures are there to see. The majority of people in their lifetime will not become millionaires, or billionaires or live the life they dreamed of when they were kids. Why is that? There is no shortage of books, videos or opportunities to learn to excel. The biggest force of opposition in our lives is ourselves. We don't like the feeling of being stretched. It's almost counterintuitive to embark on the path to success. Why would you go through all that uncertainty and risk? Sit down, you're rocking the boat.
Whether it's the gym, rugby, soccer, karate training or even dieting there seems to be this point at which we stop caring about whether we go or not. We miss the first session and it doesn't seem so bad. Then the next and then "people should love me for who i am". The same is true of life and we set our goals gradually lower, to make them more manageable. This is so that we don't have to stretch ourselves but can still tick the box saying we set and reached them and that goal setting and personal development doesn't work. This internal dialogue of counter-intention doesn't go any further than me, myself and i. When we look closer, it is really a discussion about self-worth and the value hierarchy. It is action that demonstrates self-worth, not words. There is a piece of wisdom from the late, great Jim Rohn; it's not about reaching the goal, it's about who you become in the process. The questions to self when our spirits lag are "who am i doing this for?", "what is the view like when i reach my goal? How excited am I about what I see from there?", "what do my actions demonstrate about how i spend my time and how i value myself?" "If i miss this then when am i going back on track?". Mediocre action in the direction of your goal is better than the most effective, unexecuted plan. Or "An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory." - Friedrich Engels. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Stop looking for short-cuts, discover them on the journey. If you believe that each of us is gifted with unlimited potential then don't be an aeroplane on the ground. What is an "almost" person? https://youtu.be/0Q4R_iaP1co It's hard. It's difficult when someone treats you badly. It's even harder if that person is a family member or friend. We feel betrayed. It's almost as if we have travelled into the past and all you gave before amounts to zero. It feels like your past interactions were built on lies and fabrication. Was anything real? Did they mean anything they said? How could I be treated that way?
In most of our young lives, our parents did their utmost to prevent us from feeling hurt. This is true emotionally and physically. For the first child anyway, the house was made safe, child-proof. Every conceivable and inconceivable harm mechanism was thought of and neutralised. The parents' radar was on nearly 24/7 to the point of exhaustion. If we ran in to an object, they'd slap the door or chair with words like "bad door!" or "bad chair!". What does that teach kids? That the locus for their angst is outside of themselves and it is something (or someone) else's fault. It was done with sincere intentions but what did it accomplish? Usually, people who use the phrase "now, look what you made me do". How do we approach people like this? There is a danger in being empathetic that we allow our energy levels or mindset to match those of the person with whom we empathise. Do we accept that we are the cause of someone's actions? Do we behave accordingly, contrite or apologetic? Does this demonstrate the individual's sovereignty? No. As sovereign individuals, we are responsible for managing ourselves. Once you blame external circumstances for your situation, you've lost. There is, however, a social pressure driving empathy; what do we look like if we don't empathise? Self-contained people have been called cold, unfeeling or narcissistic and it can certainly look that way. It is by their fruits that you will know them. Alternatively, let's say you understand what drives someone's behaviour. This takes a non-attached (different to detached which denotes apathy) approach to observation. The best way to see the motivations of someone else is to observe what motivates you when you take an action. i've learned a lot about others by first observing myself. Again, this is a self-reflection exercise where you cannot continue to be a NPC (non-playing character). It manifests in how others treat and speak to you. What is going through their mind as they engage with you? Why do they think it is ok to speak this way to you? What is my part in how they see me? These are questions that allow us to forgive others, whether they ask for it or not. The exercise is to observe, not to judge. Remember that when we judge that we invite others to judge us and, being human, we are not blameless. And forgiveness releases like a weight lifted. Consequently, understanding leads to forgiveness and forgiveness leads to peace, but understanding provides the solution to not being treated the same way again. “Socrates believed that no one does wrong voluntarily. Evil is the result of ignorance. If people knew what was the right thing to do they would do it. We always choose what we think is the best or good for us.” [Source]
How is it that so many people in this world are broke and fat if this is true? Is it simply a matter of education? Or have we been taught to be obese and live from paycheque to paycheque? Is it possible that we are ignorant of how to become wealthy and fit? What would be our natural state if left to our own devices? Recently, social media was flooded with "now and then" beach photos. As a species, it seemed easier for us to maintain a lower margin of error when it came to weight. What has changed? Behaviour. Between 20221 and 2022 the weight loss industry rose in value from a staggering US$132.7Bn up to US$142.4Bn while the personal development industry was valued at US$43.7Bn. At the same time, weight loss programmes use many personal development principles for their clients. This is because they clearly know the value of starting with the self in order to get results. Paradoxically, people gain weight when they join weight loss groups due to a sense of comparative weight. So it seems people are looking for the quick fix, the magic pill, the gastric band, the path of least effort. Why? We’re back to the value hierarchy of decision-making. You will never outperform your self-image. You will not behave as the person who comes to the gym and eats clean until you see yourself as the person who goes to the gym and eats clean. Begin with the end in mind as the late, influential Stephen R. Covey wrote in his seminal book - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. What is a habit but a consistent way of behaving? We are back to BE, DO, HAVE in order to align our habits with what is beneficial to us. We must first see ourselves as a target weight and visualise our eating habits in order to take the actions that that person takes. Our shopping habits have to change so we have to BE that person as we shop. There are hurdles that we have to be aware of such as store layout, attractive packaging and flavour enhancers that seem that eating healthy is bleh. We also have to feel that the goal is worth the effort. What really is the trophy for weight loss? Better sleep, less chance of illness, self-confidence, and feeling good when we see our reflection. It’s worth remembering too that the initial stages require the most discipline and work until the habit becomes second nature. It also helps to know the Universe will work with you as you move forward although it does through the odd curveball to “see how much you want it”. Put yourself at the top of a value-based hierarchy for a week or two and see what happens. Choose what you know to be the best option for yourself, the highest good. The hardest pill to swallow about this line of thinking is that being broke and overweight is a choice. In the previous post, we looked at behaviour and its impact from a business point of view. This is because there is a buyer/seller interaction, product design and knowing your customer behaviour for your particular industry or niche. We looked at customer service as part of your branding, the emotions that come to people's minds when they see your logo. Not only your customers but also your employees as brand ambassadors. Your behaviour determines office culture and having a positive office culture is a key component in the retention of staff.
The Pareto Distribution theory is based on the 80/20 rule and is a good rule of thumb in your decision-making. This TED Talk by Dan Gilbert on Decision making and Bernoulli’s formula (click here) shows us that flawed behaviour based on faulty premises are more common than we think. What has this to do with workplace culture? 20% of the people that you work with will produce 80% of the output. Conversely, only 20% of the work will be produced by 80% of the workforce. This means that productive people are in the minority and how you treat them will determine whether they stay or go. With regard to the work environment, talented employees will leave because of bad managers and included in that is because problematic employees are tolerated. This is understandable when people spend so much of their day together and, like family, not out of choice. This is less of an issue these days as more people work from home but even on team calls, disruptive behaviour or continuous interruption will cause disengagement. Micromanaging or meetings that could have been replaced by an email or quick phone call will have the effect of causing resentment for time wasted and is counterproductive. If you hire people for what they can do, then let them do it. There is a common misperception that those in management and directorship roles are there because they have 100% expertise in “everything”. It’s a sort of halo effect where people may have the impression that someone is at a higher level of the organisational structure because they have figured out how to be flawless in all aspects of business life. They even expect it of themselves. Having worked with highly intelligent and capable people, this is not always the case. Many people will be elevated because they have proven industry know-how but may not be a ‘people person’. They may have a brilliant way of doing things but lack the interpersonal skills to bring people with them. As a result, they may appear 'hard-nosed' and distant or overmanage projects to feel that they are 'deserving' their promotions. Some outward behaviours are used to mask a fear that the mask may slip, that the emperor/empress has no clothes or imposter syndrome. This isn’t confined to leadership roles. The workplace can be a melting pot for various personality types some of which are not compatible. So isn’t it helpful to know that when it comes to creating a culture that is both fun and effective, there are formulae to assist you in making the right decisions? "100% of employees are people. 100% of customers are people. 100% of investors are people. If you don't understand people, you don't understand business." Simon Sinek.
Like many topics, behaviour can be studied at a micro and macro level. If you are a salesperson in, let's say, the automotive sector, your time would be best served to study the behaviour of the individual. If you are the manufacturer of an automobile your time would be better served analyzing the middle part of a bell curve of human behaviour in a certain field like "purchasing behaviour". When you are a customer, you observe the behaviour of the salesperson. Whatever it is we are all watching each other, watching trends in behaviour, clothes, apps, cars, etc. On social media, we have an emerging form of employment - "the influencer" that is paid to influence human behaviour in lieu of advertising. Individuals are like cells of a much larger organism, the consumer. Under a microscope we may seem to have individual behaviours, but when we zoom out we can see that our behaviour can be neatly categorised by sex, age, and income, etc. This is the role of "the cookie" on websites. Our behaviour is tracked and the data collected is used for very specific marketing purposes. Where advertising used to be a "spray and pray" way of getting your message out to the customer, the Internet has allowed us to be interactive and see specifically where our customers are coming from. Customers can leave reviews of businesses for others to see. As such, customer service is a critical part of branding. To use a negative example; the potential guest at the reception of your hotel who gets poor service will start to notice every flaw, whether large or small and compound a poor review. Whether the first point of contact is the valet or the doorman, your influence is already at play. It's also key to know when to give attention and when to give space. Your behaviour towards your employees is similarly influential. Remember that they are also your brand ambassadors. How they speak about where they work also has an effect on the world outside the office. While at work, your behaviour towards employees or your work colleagues will determine engagement or disengagement. Being self-aware, or emotionally intelligent is now one of the top skills of a leader. Looking at how we have evolved in business, how we have learned to automate so many humdrum tasks but have a growing population. Therefore, how significant is it to be a human anymore? What defines our value, in life and in the marketplace? What are and what will be the key skills for a human to succeed in an ever-increasingly automated world? Over the coming weeks, we will explore the various causes and impacts of our behaviour. In the post-World War I period, undismayed analysis of "what's wrong" led to the development of psychoanalysis as a field of study and exploration. It was mostly from 1946-1948 that children's psychological analysis began. This is small segment of the timeline since humans became self-aware and began to document life. How much has human behaviour changed over the millennia of recorded history? All the spiritual, and religious books – the Upanishads, the Bhagavad-Gita, the Bible, the Torah, the Talmud, Guru Granth Sahib, etc. show us how our behaviour affects others and ourselves. Aspiring to be more like God is the common theme, the central tenet. To paraphrase Jordan Peterson (click), God is the highest possible good that we can aspire to. Not only will this be a marker for how we thrive, it also influences our behaviour towards ourselves and others that we share our world with.
It is awe-inspiring to see the architectural wonders built in the name of "God." What deep-rooted desire could inspire someone to build a cathedral, a mosque, or a giant Buddha? Towering edifices that magnify the glory of creation. And yet we are told in all these holy books how much more we humans are valued, how much more precious and intricate we are. Do you feel that in your everyday life? Do you feel like a walking cathedral or mosque? Is that how you behave? Religion aside, what do you desire to be like? What are your qualities? What would you like people to notice you for after they have interacted with you? How did you behave? I don't think there is a better demonstration of getting in touch with your inner motivation than this video (click here). Perhaps as adults, we could define behaviour as our pre-programmed response to events and people (stimuli)? Pre-programmed because behaviour is learned. The reason we are pre-programmed is that we have learned to shortcut certain responses as a knee-jerk reaction. In computer programming, it may be called an "if>then" piece of code. And these snippets of code run so frequently and smoothly that they become a subroutine and run subconsciously. To the point that we run this piece of code without checking to see if we should edit it for a specific purpose. And it's easy to troubleshoot and debug. It shows up in the way people react to us. Their reaction to us is fifty per cent how we present ourselves (and the 50% is how they choose to react through their programming). You are who you are as an aggregate of your experiences over time. It's fine to leave it there as a child but as an adult, you absolutely have the capacity to change if you choose to. I remember typing out lines of code on my Commodore 64 using V.2 basic. At the end of a particularly lengthy program, there was a subroutine called a "checksum" which allowed users to see if the programme had been written correctly. Once this was done, you could enter in and change colour or type if you knew what you were looking for. This is personal development. Running a checksum and seeing where you can get in and make the changes that you would like. Confident people make us feel positive. Having a sense of safety gives us a sense that we are capable of achieving what we want. Their example shows that anything is possible. However, we don't see the tribulations they have faced in order to gain confidence in themselves. It may surprise you but some of the most confident people that you know still have insecurities in certain fields of life and business (imposter syndrome). An antidote to impostor syndrome is to realise its narcissistic, egocentric narrative of "poor me, look at me!". The remedy is to focus on someone else that you can assist with your skillset, draw from the Higher Self or simply have the confidence to say "I don't know but I'll find out".
Calmness. In a panicked or fearful state, our brains are not able to empathise. As such, this is one of the reasons why the narrative of the fearful state is always self-preservation and inward-looking. Being confident allows us to focus less on ourselves and more on others. This means improved relationships (and as a corollary, saves mental energy on not being defensive) and an ability to communicate more freely. A valuable asset in both work and personal life. Confidence allows us to be at peace with ourselves and peace is the natural state for humans. This allows our operating system to reset, heal and function within normal parameters. It means less wear and tear on the engine. This means that happier people live longer. An antidote for procrastination? There are many aspects to procrastination, a condition once thought to be rooted in laziness. However, one of the reasons that people procrastinate (find anything else to do except what they're supposed to be doing!) is that they lack the confidence to either start or complete the task. Confidence is the "I know I can do this" internal dialogue and motivation that gets things done. And as you get things done you grow in confidence. Confidence in action is self-rewarding and fulfilling. Confidence begets confidence. Resilience. Imagine having the confidence to start and complete tasks. If you hit a speed bump midway through the process, what would that mean to you? Having the confidence to get back up and keep moving forward. You would feel unstoppable. How would that impact the goals you would set for yourself? Leadership As I mentioned at the top of the post, self-assured people give us a sense of security and in fearful situations, we all turn to the confident person. The confident person is not necessarily the one with all the answers but the one who is calm and can think straight. We listen to that voice of reason. Self-assured people become natural leaders. They are the people that others look to and like to be around and that is a key management skill as a parent or in the workplace. Negotiations Whether at home or at work, we all engage in discussions every day. With our spouse, kids, co-workers or management, we negotiate. When we conduct ourselves with confidence we have already made a terrific start. Can you remember how 'attractive' you were when you carried yourself in a confident, self-assured way? Did you get what you were looking for, perhaps more? Were there unintended, positive circumstances that presented themselves because of the frequency you were operating on? Self-confidence is a hub from which many positive circumstances radiate. Confidence and courage build solid foundations, a platform from which to launch ourselves to elevated levels. It can help us end toxic relationships. It can enable us to ask for a pay rise. It can help us to be more open and honest, strengthening communication with loved ones and colleagues. Exercise Think about and document times when you acted with confidence. What happened? What was running through your head that gave you that feeling of being self-assured? Can you borrow that and operate from that space again? How was your posture and what was your speech like? "When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” African proverb. Are confidence and esteem the same? No. The best way to can put this is by analogy. You are going on a journey. There are two cars in your driveway. You know that both will get you there. One is Fiat 500 and the other is a Rolls Royce Silver Shadow. Which would choose to travel in?
Confidence Confidence is about belief, self-esteem is a value perspective. In the first of the blog posts on confidence, we looked at how confidence comes through action, action reinforcing belief. Belief requires evidence (unlike 'faith' which goes beyond physical evidence or even in the absence of physical evidence). In order to gain evidence, action has to be taken. When action is taken we get results (back to TEFCAS) and we can build on those results from learning. This means that all learning is positive depending on how we process the information. In order for us to believe in ourselves and our capabilities (confidence) we have to have made made a journey, to use the car analogy. The Fiat 500 has taken us to where we would like to go previously. Before we set off again we check that it is fit for purpose. The more journeys we take the more we realise that our capabilities are not so much about the destination but the ability to complete it. It is an outward display or internal self-dialogue. Self-esteem Self-esteem is choosing to see yourself as a Rolls-Royce driver. This is about how you see yourself, your self-image. This is a value piece. This goes hand-in-hand with your confidence. This is the "knowing your 'why'" from the seminal Simon Sinek TED talk and takes you from beyond just "doing". It may be the processor to gaining the skills that give you confidence. You will never outperform your self image. If you do not see the value in yourself then you won't present it for others to see. This really is hiding your light under a bushel. Exercise Write down the things that you admire about yourself.mIf you have the confidence, ask others how they see and see if it tallies with person you are looking to present from within. Remember that self-image is created by you, the self and not what others think of you. |
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AuthorHoward Hughes Archives
November 2023
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